My friend!

Tuesday night was the kick off to my new Create Your Ceremony course, and almost half the night was dedicated to couples revisiting and defining their own Love Story.

One prompt had couples consider major new experiences they’ve had together or major changes they’ve seen each other through. These can be joyful or painful: Getting a puppy or losing a job. Standing at an awe-inspiring vista or losing a loved one. I encouraged couples to hold it all, even the painful stuff, to see what has truly contributed to the evolution of their relationship.

A question came up: “What should not be included in the Love Story?”

It’s a great question, and I’m still searching for a concise answer.

In the Love Stories I write, I embrace complexity and nuance in order to create depth and meaning. The question got me thinking. You might be a bit shocked if I told you about some of the difficult/painful/challenging stories I’ve told as part of someone’s wedding ceremony.

Such as:

• The groom’s dog biting the bride’s mom
• The bride’s friend dying suddenly right after the couple met
• The groom’s dad’s recent battle with cancer
• The couple and other family members dancing around the hospice bed of the bride’s grandmother

Why did I tell all these stories on what is meant to be a profoundly joyful day?

Because embracing life’s full complexity—and the many dimensions of our love—leads to profound joy. Not just a good time with “good vibes only.”

A couple years ago a friend of mine posted on social media about being pregnant. And, at the same time, she posted about having been pregnant before and losing her baby at 5 months gestation.

She couldn’t post one without the other. She couldn’t feel the deep joy of the moment without feeling the space in her heart that had held her sorrow. In fact, her post included this quote from Kahlil Gibran:

I have felt this. Have you?

That the depth to which we can experience sorrow and joy are the same. I shared about an experience of grieving my dad as a young teenager, which became a spiritual awakening, in my first podcast interview a couple years ago.​

Telling the full truth about our experience opens our hearts to the full spectrum of life and love, including the many kinds of love felt and deepened on a wedding day. In their re-telling we feel the pain for them for a moment, and then we feel—we almost experience—their resolution.

Hmmmm. Resolution isn’t the right word. We don’t get “resolution” after a loved one's passing, but we do heal as we reform our lives. Love flows again, and perhaps in time it flows greater in that space that was carved. That greater flow—that’s what you get to share with your community on your wedding day when you let them in on these moments of strife and sorrow too.

So why did I tell all these horrible stories?

1. The groom’s dog biting the bride’s mom: Because the way everyone in the situation responded with compassion, understanding, and action initiated the next stage of their partnership.

2. The bride’s close friend dying suddenly right after the couple met: Because the bride at first tried to break it off with this guy she had just started dating in the overwhelm of her grief—but she couldn’t when his compassionate and wise response came through on her text messages. Deciding to enter the relationship while not feeling/presenting her best led to an intimacy and trust that might have taken years to establish otherwise.

3. The groom’s dad’s recent battle with cancer: Because the groom was in a numb state in trying to cope with that moment, and as the groom told me, his bride not only supported him, but “helped [him] feel again.”

4. The couple and other family members dancing around the hospice bed of the bride’s grandmother: Because when the bride looked over and saw her boyfriend dancing around with her family she realized that he was her family too.

My friend, I could go on and on because I am so in love with all of my couples who trust me with their precious, powerful, and complex stories. I am in love with their stories too.

But the important thing here is my promise: telling these stories can deepen joy, as well as create understanding, connection, and wisdom.

But, it does have to be done with care.

Which begs another question for those couples who are taking my course and won’t have me by their side on their wedding day:

Will their friend who is officiating be able to do this kind of complex storytelling?

I’m cooking up an answer for the wise bride who asked me the question about Love Stories. I’ll share it first with her and all the participants of my Create Your Ceremony course, then I’ll come back and share it with you.

Be well in all your complex beauty my friends,

Maureen