My friend,

“We should have eloped,” is a common refrain among engaged (and even married) couples. Often it’s said as a joke in the face of wedding planning stress. Yet, even as a joke it begs a really important question: “Why are we doing all this?”

You’re getting married. You’re celebrating all that you and your partner have become while setting the course for what’s next. It’s a beautiful, life-altering juncture to be at and live into.

Yet…

Week by week your free time is absorbed into long logistical talks with relatives, Google-mapping distances and checking airfare prices, being horrified by the cost of food and beverages, figuring out formal attire that is authentic and comfortable to you, and perhaps spending an hour thinking about where to sit your best friend since she can’t be next to her ex at the college-friend table.

Is it all worth it? Is the average 405 hours* that couples spend planning a wedding really worth it?

(*According to The Knot survey, couples spend 6 hours a week planning their wedding. That’s 405 hours when multiplied by the average 15 month engagement.)

Should you have just eloped?

Maybe.

Honestly: maybe.

The wedding industry has an overarching message that supports exuberant spending on the day and especially expensive uber-customization: “It’s YOUR day.”

But is it?

Maybe.

Honestly: only, maybe.

It is only truly your own day if you are eloping. If you want only your own preferences from sunrise to sunset on your wedding day, then you should elope. Free yourself from the role of host and just savor what makes you and your beloved happy.

Otherwise, a wedding is a family or community event, and you, the marriers, are both guests of honor and hosts.

The minute you invite someone else to your wedding, you’re now a host. Being a host comes with responsibilities. You have to take care of the people who have traveled to be with you for the day. And, by doing so, you get to experience your relationship through their eyes + hearts—you get to feel what your partnership and your marriage means to them. This is a beautiful thing. (And sometimes, it’s a tricky thing. Hence the infamous wedding family drama.)

Be aware that having a community wedding is a choice—even if the Wedding Media Complex’s power, or your parents, make you feel otherwise.

Are you up to being a host on your wedding day? Are you up for balancing your desires and the needs/desires of your community? It is actual work—give or take 405 hours of it—both emotional and logistical.

(Although I bet the 405 figure only accounts for logistical planning hours and not the emotional labor—the endless conversations between partners and their families. So it would be safe to double it and assume that planning a wedding is an 800+ hour commitment).

You probably found your way to this newsletter because you’re already planning a wedding of a certain size. Fear not. If you’re having an “OMG, we should just eloped,” moment, I suggest writing a list of all the reasons it will be amazing to share this moment with loved ones. Reconnect to your true desire for a community wedding. Think of the best weddings you’ve been to and how happy you were for the couple, how you felt a part of their love. You’re going to create that as a gift to your community.

Here’s a secret no one else will tell you: for your guests to have an amazing time at your wedding, like a truly heart-filling, inspiring time—not just a fun night out—you and your partner should focus on yourselves.

“Wait, WTF Maureen—is that advice the total opposite of everything in this email so far?!” Hang with me; there’s a rich paradox here.

If you as a couple spend your engagement keeping and growing your love strong, it will make your wedding 1000x better, not just for you, but for others. Because your partnership, your intention for marriage, is the heart of the wedding. That’s what people come to be a part of.

(Not sure how to do that in the face of all the ToDos and pressure? I’ve got you).

Keep your love strong,

Maureen